short pleasures are often long regretted

Six months on Wednesday is hard to believe!

To recap: It took him 2 weeks to seduce me into butt sex, one month before he said the "L" word (coincidence?), two months for me to move in, three and a half months after our first date we posted an ad on craigslist for a threeway, and four and a half months later put up a profile on a dating website for swingers. (Soft only.)

And I thought match.com was a train wreck. My perception of "the lifestyle" has been mostly confirmed, unpleasantly. I am picky to begin with. It was hard enought to find ONE guy to be attracted to, now I have to worry about a male AND a female? It's difficult to find a four way dynamic with random couples. (Especially when the guys are just riding in on a hotwife's coattails 90% of the time.) We've met a couple of cool couples, but generally they have been duds. A LOT of women we both liked, but couldn't get around an ugly/boring/unwilling spouse.

One thing I have noticed is the sense of entitlement - as if everyone has to hop into bed together simply because the requisite working parts are present. I didn't fall into bed with just anyone when I was single, I surely am not going to start now. (Especially considering what I already have at home.) Thank God we agreed on the front end there is no "taking one for the team." Women only....he still gets to fuck them, so there will be no hard feelings I'm sure. That's hot.

there's no place like home

shrimp salad, asparagus, mediterranean mushrooms and peppers - $16.93

six vodka/lemonades - $16.61

two blankets, two king pillows - $105.74

picnic basket - $18.92

making love all afternoon in the sunshine - priceless

a lovestruck puppy

Baby I Love Your Way Lyrics

be my valentine

In June I went to lunch with coworkers at a restaurant that handed out fortune cookies with the check. Mine read: “The current year will bring you much happiness.”

Eh. Not much chance of anything spectacular happening. Maybe I’ll win the lottery or something.

But for some reason I kept that little slip of paper. Motivational? Inspiring? I like to surround myself with positive thoughts. So I taped it to my computer monitor, so I could glance at it occasionally and remind myself that there is more out there to see, experience, feel, believe in. How could I have imagined that a few months later I would meet a man who would be the love of my life?

From your first email to me I could sense you were different. Your tone, the rapidness of your replies, the humor….You made me smile before we ever met, and since then I’ve hardly stopped. You have made my life better merely by your presence in it. In twelve weeks you have become my lover, my confidant, someone I can barely stand to be away from and want to be old with.

So now when I glance at that little piece of paper, I smile and think of you, and how something or someone was sending me a little signal to just be patient, you were on your way to me, and the dreams I never allowed myself to even acknowledge could be brought out, examined and maybe, eventually, fulfilled. I entrust myself, and my heart, to your care, for the first time in my life.

And know this, on this day that celebrates love: If we have two more months, two more years, or two more decades together I thank you for bringing out the best in me and count myself privileged to have loved you.

there'll be hell to pay

I can't stand it when I act that way. I behave better when I am answering to someone, be it personally or finacially. It's a control issue. Meaning I have none. I need a limit, an allowance. When I feel in control, I get out of control. There will be fair warning, but it will happen. And then I wake up with that unsettled feeling, don't remember the entire evening, and need to make amends for some wrong, be it real or imagined. My intuition tells me there wasn't a fight, but I still feel like a six year old who got in trouble and have a desperate need to talk to the Agent to make sure things are kosher. Only he's not answering his phone or email, and that could mean anything, but it's a first. Watershed moment? Maybe. What happened? Woke up on the couch, together, but clothed, and that does not bode well. Couldn't wake him this a.m. for a goodbye, which is another first.

I'm a jackass. And I might still be a little drunk.


UPDATE: Everything is fine, I overreacted as usual, but I'll still feel better when I get home. Which won't be for another 3 hours. Why oh why must I have a job?