an open letter to men who want to date me

When we are in the beginning stage of "dating." When we are talking, and IM'ing daily. When we don't yet know each others' routine schedules. When it's not assumed that we'll see each other every weekend. When we are still slowly trying to figure out if we like each other enough. Don't ask me repeatedly "So when am I going to see you again?"

Ask me out. For a date.

Have an actual day in mind and a specific activity to suggest. Especially when, in the interest of fairness, I have already volunteered one or two days in the near future that I am available. I know it's difficult to put yourself out there. But really? Could I make this any easier for you - aside from telling you EXACTLY when, where and how? Is it because I'm from the South that I expect this? That the man, at least intially, take the reins in hand and make things happen? It doesn't bode well for the bedroom - or the boardroom- if you cannot even ask me to dinner. Or cocktails. Or a movie, or a play, ANYTHING.

And if you have a specific date in mind, and have come through with an activity and a plan, it is still not acceptable to phone someone six times within a three hour period, leaving an almost identical message each time, to extend said invitation.

Seriously?

My friend from down south sent me this. She is a doctor, my age, beautiful, personable, fun, etc., etc. She chatted with a man (six years older but from the same hometown) when he came in for an examination (she's an eye doctor kind of) that took about an hour.

After he left, she received this from him at her work email. Let me reiterate to you, this is for real. Parens are mine.


Hi (friend from down south),

I was surprised (he spelled it wrong) that you got all dressed up for my appointment on Monday. Its funny how women in doctors offices are always trying to impress me. On to my point in writing you, since I was feeling a bit dizzy when I left your office I didn’t have a chance to get your phone number. I wanted to see if you have anything going for you besides your good looks? Maybe we could meet up for coffee or a drink and see if you can hold my attention. My number is blah blah blah so call me, but if youre too shy drop me an email at blah ablah

To add insult to insult, she said he's not even cute.

these boots are made for walking, part two

I don’t think he ever believed I would actually move out. We had been together for over five years, living and sometimes working together. I told him “I just think there’s something better out there for both of us,” and I meant it. He resented that my schedule was so demanding. I didn’t like how much he drank and hung out with his friends. The last “hurricane party” was a real eye opener. Being cooped up in a house with him and his closest friends and relatives for almost a week with nothing to do but drink, with no electricity and virtually no mobility, was sheer hell. It provided a horrifying illustration of what our future would look like, what our life would continue to be. I wanted a partner, not a drinking buddy.

I told him that I was looking at apartments. I knew that to him, the fact that I had actively been looking at places would be a form of betrayal, abandonment, but I also knew I couldn’t continue to live with him as if the status quo was still intact. Even after everything, I still had respect for him, and couldn’t be deceitful, which is what it would have felt like. And to be honest, I was hoping it would jolt him into realizing how bad things had gotten, that this wasn’t something he could ignore until he felt like dealing. He didn’t have much to say. We spoke for a while about where we had gone wrong and how we had failed one another. There were no protestations, no requests that we try to work on things. I squared my shoulders; I had gotten my answer.

A few days later, I let him know I had put a deposit down on an apartment and would be moving in three weeks. (I was STILL prepared to abandon that deposit should he man up and decide the relationship was worth saving. It wouldn’t have taken much - at that point I would’ve settled for an effort of any kind.) He stayed out that night, and when we spoke the next day he said he didn’t want to ruin his day off by talking about anything important.

Hurt, I only spent two nights there over the next three weeks, until the day I moved out. I stayed with girlfriends, my parents, anyone who would let me. I came home on the two nights I couldn’t make other arrangements for my daughter. Those two nights were the only nights we really fought throughout the entire wreckage.

About a year later, a mutual friend and neighbor told me that he had spoken with her during that three weeks about our situation. She quoted him as saying, “Sugar Kane will never leave. She has it too easy here.” He assumed that it was all a bluff, and never believed I was moving until the truck pulled into the driveway and I showed up with my two helpers. When I stopped coming home, he was taken aback because there was no opportunity to talk to me and straighten me out. When I was there we fought over where I had been and what I was/ had been doing wrong. I took the stance that he had abandoned the right to ask those questions or have an opinion.

Guess he didn’t know me as well as he thought.

battin' your eyes like a toadfrog in a hailstorm

So I’m back from my date.

I drove to his house, like an idiot, and let him cook dinner for me. The initial meeting was a bit awkward as 1) he is under 5’8” and I am every bit of 5’10” and 2) we were both sober. Which didn’t last very long. At least for him.

He let me into the house, we hugged after a moment, and went into the kitchen for me to watch him finish dinner. He opened a bottle of wine (Riesling), and we made idle chit chat while dinner cooked in the oven. Ate dinner (enchiladas that were fantastic), opened another bottle of wine (Sauvignon Blanc) and talked for a while longer, then played Texas Hold ‘Em heads up. This was the most enjoyable part of the evening, as he knows much more than I do about the game and took the time to give me tips on strategy. We opened another bottle of wine (at this point who cares what kind), which wasn’t such a good idea, as we could both tell he was getting a little tipsy.

Good: He likes to talk. I like to listen. Idle chit chat is not my forte.
Bad: It’s mostly typical flyboy stuff: his work, the military, etc. And he uses lingo that I cannot understand as I am NOT, nor have I ever been, in the military.

Good: He lives alone, in a real house, with real furniture, and has pretty nice things. You can tell he’s not afraid to spend money on the things that he wants.
Bad: Having that much disposable income could be a sign of a lack of creativity with which to spend it. And the majority of the decoration on the walls was military commendations and family pictures.

Good: He is attentive. He calls and IMs frequently.
Bad: He can be pushy and confrontational, and needs things defined for him. Definitely lacks finesse in interpersonal relationships. Too much, too soon.

Good: He's not a drunk or an alcoholic like so many men I meet/date. I would always have a designated driver.
Bad: He doesn't drink much at all. I could not really bring him around my friends - any of them. It would put a crimp on my social life. Who wants to be the drunk?

While I found him fairly attractive, I have zero intention of starting anything serious right now. My plan is to hang out with him until he begins to get on my nerves, and then cut him loose. I think I should feel guilty for that.

Off the deep end

Well, I am off to my first match.com meet. Against eveyone else's better judgement I am letting him cook dinner for me tonight. I know, I know, should be a public place, etc. but I've spoken with him every day for two weeks now, and we've been in contact for a month. I have no qualms about him being a rapist or serial killer. They also say to trust your gut, and I feel fine about this. He's an officer in the military, has normal hobbies, a detailed myspace page, and when I googled him I got non-criminal links. It will be fine.

However, if I don't post by tomorrow, send someone to my match.com account to find him. I'm just sayin'.

TMI Tuesdays

1. Early bird or night owl?
Both. I love to get up early, especially on vacation or if I have some where to go besides work that day. But I love the nightlife as well. Things get interesting for me when the sun goes down.

2. If you could only be one, would you rather be smart or good looking?
Definitely smart. Smart people can be more attractive with help. There’s no way to add brains. Also, smartness lasts longer than beauty. We keep out mental faculties a lot longer than our physical attributes. But I thank God every day I wasn’t born with neither.

3. Do you gossip?
Of course. But I try not to repeat things I don’t have first hand knowledge of, whether good or bad. You lose credibility that way from repeating inaccuracies.

4. On a scale of 1-10, how adventurous are you? (1 is lowest, 10 is highest)
Probably a 7.5. I am not scared of many things, but I am very careful to be aware of my inability to do something. If I were a little less fearful about lack of abilities causing me to fail at something I might try a few more things.

5. On a scale of 1-10, how good a kisser do you think you are? (ditto)
8-9, definitely. At least according to others. 

Bonus (as in optional):What do you consider the biggest turn on out of the following? a) lingerie b) movies c) toys d) role playing e) leather f) none of this does anything for me.

Toys. Any guy who is willing to use things with/on/near me is sexy as hell, just for not feeling intimidated or that “he should be enough.” Having to stroke a guy’s ego over that bullshit I am no longer interested in. Plus it’s fun to experiment with new stuff, and find what works and what doesn’t. It creates intimacy as well.