Drunken words are sober thoughts

I am completely inept at this dating thing. Please, let me tell you my troubles that you may advise me in the ways of the world.

This is what I do: I "date" unsuitable men, usually in a friends with benefits situation, until I fall bass ackwards into a relationship before I even recognize it - with varying degrees of success (read: failure), from a pregnancy and ill fated marriage, to a 5 year relationship that should have never gotten off the ground to begin with. This time it's not my fault. Damn my good looks and charming personality!

My "friend with benefits," you know who, in a fit of post-wedding drunkenness, has confessed to being in love with me. If you call a declaration a confession, that is, with none of the tiptoeing, uncomfortable, abashed, self-conscious behavior one usually associates with a confession. This was no inadvertent "I love you" said in the heat of the moment (c’mon, you know you've done it) or laughed over an endearing moment (a la "The One where Chandler tells Monica when she’s wearing a raw chicken as a hat"). It was said repeatedly, with much enthusiasm, and was followed with an inquiry as to my intentions.

I have no intentions! Unfortunately, he is smarter than his predecessors and would not let me wiggle out with vagueness and exaggerated drunken behavior. Needless to say, I handled it badly. The end result was agreeing to date exclusively. While not a challenging task, is it wrong to agree to (and in theory adhere to) this when my heart's not really into it? I'm not ready for the party to stop; I’m just not ready to buy the dress. Am I leading him on by enjoying the things I like about the relationship while it lasts? Or should I come clean and possibly lose the benefits?

Beauty is a matter of taste

Women will create a million reasons why it’s not us personally that men don’t (want to) approach. I’m with too many friends/not enough friends. Friends that are too old/too young or too hippie/too square. Sometimes, when I’m really insecure OR feeling very confident, I will tell myself that it is because I am too attractive and men feel they are out of my league. Another variation of that materialized when a guy friend broke the man code by telling me that some men strategize by not picking out the best looking woman in the group - they pay attention to the more mediocore friend who perhaps might not be as used to it. (I ignore the possibilty that may be the case in an instance when I am on the receiving end.) Sometimes it’s because I’m not dressed appropriately, bad hair day, no lipstick, frumpy clothes. Or maybe they heard me in conversation and felt intimidated by my aggressiveness or put off by my conversation. Maybe I just didn’t bring my A game that day/night.

I consider myself to be a fairly attractive person. Not the skinniest, anymore, but tall enough to pull it off. But I’m also old enough to realize that there will always be someone skinnier, prettier, smarter, taller, leggier, more European, whatever one’s personal fancy is. It’s the whole package that sells. But without a good first impression, you rarely get a chance to show anyone the rest of the ad.

Secrets are secret

I am a single, Southern girl who has no idea what she’s going to do with a blog. The medium is a new phenomenon to me, and I so much enjoy reading others’ musings and reports that I want to see if I can express my questions, comments, and concerns in a fashion others can relate to. I like to mean what I say, and say what I mean. This seems like the perfect opportunity to contemplate things, and (in theory) get feedback from peers, before committing verbally. I do not profess to be a writer, although I love to read, so the form may not always be top notch. The content? We’ll see. I’ll try to keep things interesting. That depends on how secure the cloak of anonymity proves.