...are frightening.
Emo was defined to me by one of my more cynical friends as "Emo's are the kids who CRY when they cut themselves." The whole phenomena of "cutting" baffles me. When I was a kid, it was virtually unheard of and generally considered to be a symptom of sexual abuse or some other heinous trauma to a kid. Now, kids do it when they get picked on for being different. Is it the en vogue affliction? The bulimia of the 2000s?
I was cleaning out my car yesterday, and came across a note written to Kid, a 6th grader. In it, her friend apologized for calling her a name, and then apologized for being a cutter. When I asked Kid about it, she said another of her friends was also a cutter because the other kids call him a bisexual. And she knew what that meant.
Yet another reason why my reproductive organs are on permanent hiatus.
It is impossible to raise an innocent in this day and age. If your child has any interaction with the outside world, they will be exposed to concepts, vocabulary, and violence that we wouldn't have seen until well into high shcool, or after. My sister might have the right idea after all. She homeschools six children under the age of ten (all hers). She has built-in babysitters for life, constant playmates inside the home, and no pressure from the outside. Hell, they never have to leave the house should they choose not to. Do I think that's healthy for the child when they're grown? Absolutely not. I think it does the kids a great disservice not to have any perception of what the world is like outside of their cocoon - as they get older. But where do you find the happy medium? And what will it be like for kids born NOW? It gets exponentially worse year by year.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
men are from mars
OK...I hate that I always come to you for the bad things, but this is something that I've been thinking about and I know I can be honest with you and you won't judge me.
I'm worried about the volatile nature of the relationship. I am deliriously happy with him 98% of the time. But he has a temper, and it shows. While the menacing aspect of his nature is something I am attracted to, I am also concerned about it because I'd be stupid not to.
I understand that you can't have the good without the bad. If I want the passion and intensity, the temper is the other side of that coin. And it's never violent, just a short burst of temper and then he calms down, or leaves the room, or takes a drive or whatever. There's no meanness, or hint of violence. I cannot stress that enough. I have never feared for the safety of myself, or anyone else, either directly or indirectly. He has never made me felt bad or threatened, or called me names or anything remotely like that. It's never directed at any person, and is less frequent over the 10 weeks I've known him. When he comes back from the other room or a drive he's fine, be it 5 minutes or 30. His overall demeanor has changed positively since we've met.
But the nature of our relationship, and his perception of my role in it, we're still working out. And by that I mean I'm still trying to understand his expectations, and not necessarily vice versa - because he already exceeds them. Which is starting to feel like he REALLY has the upper hand. Not that I feel like I have anything to complain about per se. He does so much for me, and expects so much in return, and that balance is going to get worse over time, if only financially.
This is the first time I have been so acutely aware of the chasm of difference between men and women. He is the most "typical" man I have ever been with in a lot of ways, but at the same time the most sensitive - in every sense of the word. He really sees a couple's sex life as a relationship barometer. It might as well be written on a calendar. And we have sex pretty much daily, sometimes more. He likes me to dress up, take me out, pamper me, but it doesn't seem to be about showing me off. (The difference is, he does it mostly for me, not for the benefit of others to see him do it.)
During one conversation the other day, he told me one of the things he noticed the first night was that I wasn't taking care of myself, i.e no jewelry, no painted toenails or fingernails, I wasn't really dressed nicely, etc. And he wondered why, because I'm so beautiful and sexy, etc. and he wants me to FEEL that way. He eventually reasoned out that it was because I never had anyone who would do those things for me, which is true, but doesn't explain anything in my mind! There was no way to explain to him that those things just aren't that important to me - it would have been a foreign concept to him. Chalk it up to the way I was raised, I don't know, I've always been a simple girl. I'll do it, because he likes it and it's important to him for me to put forth that effort, and because he gives me the luxury to do it.
Meaning, when I get home from work and all I have to do is make a cocktail (not even his, just one for me), take a shower, he cooks dinner, I provide company and conversation (of which there is no end), and hang out until he's ready to fuck me(and the occasional morning when I wake up in time, or randomly during the week on my lunch break), which good lord I would do anyway DAMN.
ME. So worried about impressing a man.
I suppose I'm just apprehensive that I'll move in, be fucked with my rental company, and he'll decide he gets to call the shots about everything, and I'll turn into some kind of automaton who doesn't leave the house without permission, never sees her friends, and just obeys orders. (Gulp.)
I'm worried about the volatile nature of the relationship. I am deliriously happy with him 98% of the time. But he has a temper, and it shows. While the menacing aspect of his nature is something I am attracted to, I am also concerned about it because I'd be stupid not to.
I understand that you can't have the good without the bad. If I want the passion and intensity, the temper is the other side of that coin. And it's never violent, just a short burst of temper and then he calms down, or leaves the room, or takes a drive or whatever. There's no meanness, or hint of violence. I cannot stress that enough. I have never feared for the safety of myself, or anyone else, either directly or indirectly. He has never made me felt bad or threatened, or called me names or anything remotely like that. It's never directed at any person, and is less frequent over the 10 weeks I've known him. When he comes back from the other room or a drive he's fine, be it 5 minutes or 30. His overall demeanor has changed positively since we've met.
But the nature of our relationship, and his perception of my role in it, we're still working out. And by that I mean I'm still trying to understand his expectations, and not necessarily vice versa - because he already exceeds them. Which is starting to feel like he REALLY has the upper hand. Not that I feel like I have anything to complain about per se. He does so much for me, and expects so much in return, and that balance is going to get worse over time, if only financially.
This is the first time I have been so acutely aware of the chasm of difference between men and women. He is the most "typical" man I have ever been with in a lot of ways, but at the same time the most sensitive - in every sense of the word. He really sees a couple's sex life as a relationship barometer. It might as well be written on a calendar. And we have sex pretty much daily, sometimes more. He likes me to dress up, take me out, pamper me, but it doesn't seem to be about showing me off. (The difference is, he does it mostly for me, not for the benefit of others to see him do it.)
During one conversation the other day, he told me one of the things he noticed the first night was that I wasn't taking care of myself, i.e no jewelry, no painted toenails or fingernails, I wasn't really dressed nicely, etc. And he wondered why, because I'm so beautiful and sexy, etc. and he wants me to FEEL that way. He eventually reasoned out that it was because I never had anyone who would do those things for me, which is true, but doesn't explain anything in my mind! There was no way to explain to him that those things just aren't that important to me - it would have been a foreign concept to him. Chalk it up to the way I was raised, I don't know, I've always been a simple girl. I'll do it, because he likes it and it's important to him for me to put forth that effort, and because he gives me the luxury to do it.
Meaning, when I get home from work and all I have to do is make a cocktail (not even his, just one for me), take a shower, he cooks dinner, I provide company and conversation (of which there is no end), and hang out until he's ready to fuck me(and the occasional morning when I wake up in time, or randomly during the week on my lunch break), which good lord I would do anyway DAMN.
ME. So worried about impressing a man.
I suppose I'm just apprehensive that I'll move in, be fucked with my rental company, and he'll decide he gets to call the shots about everything, and I'll turn into some kind of automaton who doesn't leave the house without permission, never sees her friends, and just obeys orders. (Gulp.)
Friday, January 18, 2008
a lady in the street and a freak in the bed
...is what every man wants. What they don't understand is this:
"Most women have to be lead into naughtiness by a man to feel comfortable being naughty around him.....since women prefer to being led over leading in nearly all cases." -David Cunningham
Not enough men have grasped this. We like to get freaky as much as you do, but we need your permission to behave "badly", your encouragement to let that part of ourselves loose, and the perception that you are taking responsibilty away from us for our enjoyment of something perceived to be forbidden. It's the cornerstone of S&M behavior.
I have an almost Victorian era outlook on the way a relationship should be between lovers. I am a very strong person. I am a professional, a single mom, put myself through college and worked two jobs to keep myself in the lifestyle I became accustommed to, while traveling and living my life on my terms and being very happy. I was single for 2.5 years, although I dated around, but couldn't find that perfect storm combination of a man who was strong enough to dominate me without it stemming from insecurity or a need to control. But I have known from my teenage years that I wanted a dominant man in my life. If he can't lead me, teach me, and protect me, I'm not interested in anything other than superficial. (Notice that I left out financial support - that's another post.) A true dominant is one that accepts you into his care, and is capable of providing it in your best interests.
A man that takes care of his woman is not a beta. He understands that if he keeps a woman feeling cherished and honored, a woman of self-worth will appreciate it, understand the scarcity of a truly good guy, and will be happy, nay, EAGER, to do anything to keep him happy. (And that's before she even falls in love.) When a man ignores his woman, treats her as if she is no more important than any other woman, she will loose that eagerness to please him, and the relationship is doomed. The trick is to pamper her while remaining a "man's man" - which is a great deal easier than you think.
Example: Don't ask her what she wants to do for the evening. Know what YOU want. She will be happy to be with you, and will go and do whatever you suggest. But on the occasion she mentions in passing, "I've been craving oysters," wait a few hours, tell her to get dressed, and take her for oysters. If she has a dinner party, dress appropriately and make idle chit chat with her friends for a few hours. She'll be so dazzled by your charm that she'll bend over backwards (into the bed) to reward you for your performance. I have no problem using sex as positive reinforcement - it's when you use it for punishment that things get slippery.
"Most women have to be lead into naughtiness by a man to feel comfortable being naughty around him.....since women prefer to being led over leading in nearly all cases." -David Cunningham
Not enough men have grasped this. We like to get freaky as much as you do, but we need your permission to behave "badly", your encouragement to let that part of ourselves loose, and the perception that you are taking responsibilty away from us for our enjoyment of something perceived to be forbidden. It's the cornerstone of S&M behavior.
I have an almost Victorian era outlook on the way a relationship should be between lovers. I am a very strong person. I am a professional, a single mom, put myself through college and worked two jobs to keep myself in the lifestyle I became accustommed to, while traveling and living my life on my terms and being very happy. I was single for 2.5 years, although I dated around, but couldn't find that perfect storm combination of a man who was strong enough to dominate me without it stemming from insecurity or a need to control. But I have known from my teenage years that I wanted a dominant man in my life. If he can't lead me, teach me, and protect me, I'm not interested in anything other than superficial. (Notice that I left out financial support - that's another post.) A true dominant is one that accepts you into his care, and is capable of providing it in your best interests.
A man that takes care of his woman is not a beta. He understands that if he keeps a woman feeling cherished and honored, a woman of self-worth will appreciate it, understand the scarcity of a truly good guy, and will be happy, nay, EAGER, to do anything to keep him happy. (And that's before she even falls in love.) When a man ignores his woman, treats her as if she is no more important than any other woman, she will loose that eagerness to please him, and the relationship is doomed. The trick is to pamper her while remaining a "man's man" - which is a great deal easier than you think.
Example: Don't ask her what she wants to do for the evening. Know what YOU want. She will be happy to be with you, and will go and do whatever you suggest. But on the occasion she mentions in passing, "I've been craving oysters," wait a few hours, tell her to get dressed, and take her for oysters. If she has a dinner party, dress appropriately and make idle chit chat with her friends for a few hours. She'll be so dazzled by your charm that she'll bend over backwards (into the bed) to reward you for your performance. I have no problem using sex as positive reinforcement - it's when you use it for punishment that things get slippery.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
counting chickens before they hatch
So during our weekly convo re the status of our relationship, The Agent wanted to know how I see things playing out between us. After much stalling and dodging, and multiple times asked (he's very hard headed), he amended it to where do I see us in 6 months. I stalled, "Hmmm, that takes us thru the middle of June.................[wait for it, you'll love this]........................I'd like to be engaged by the 4th of July."
Out.Of.Nowhere.
It didn't come out as an ultimatum though, it was breezy, and he laughed, "The 4th of July!?!" But I'm not sure if it was in humor that the date was only 6 months off, or that I had just picked some random, arbitrary date out of the clear blue sky, because that's exactly what I did. Then later, after we changed the subject, he told me that The Realtor's prediction would come true. (When she said I'd have a ring on my finger by the end of the year.) So.....does that mean "you can forget July but give me until 2009"? Who knows.
But it's like that movie line, "When you decide you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to start right then." And I want the whole shebang. The proposal, the engagement, the bridal shower, the bachelorette party, the whole wedding (doesn't have to be huge, but the whole kit n kaboodle), and these things require time and planning and MONEY. I'll need 6-8 months minimum, and that's with BF being my wedding planner. Because I know she won't be a bridesmaid, and she WILL be involved and she WILL like it. (Coincidentally, The Blond has taken herself out of the running as well - she wants no part of wearing the ugly dress. Which I would never have, but whatever. Lulu is ecstatic at the thought. She's begged me already not to elope. And I think I want AJ to perform the ceremony.) So, let's say I get engaged in July. 6-8 mos planning puts us at January-March. Which is exactly when Key West #2 is getting married in New Orleans, with an 10/08 bachelorette in Vegas or the Bahamas. Which could put a travel burden on a some of the folks I want to be there, for the ceremony AND the pre-festivities. Plus, I expect KW#3 to turn up with a ring any day now, and she's got baby fever so I don't think she'll want a very long engagement either. A planning nightmare for everyone.
Besides, who wants to get married at that time of year? I never pictured myself as a spring bride. But I don't want to wait until September - October either. That's almost two years away from now, bleh. Does the "Big Day" have to be so picture perfect that I want to put it off for that long? Not likely. And The Agent would probably prefer the spring anyway. Hmmm. I guess he'll get a vote. hahaha
Here are my thoughts so far: Definitely evening wedding (both for class/elegance and to discourage children while not banning them), maybe black and white colors, but reversed - I think I want to wear black and have the girls in ivory or pink because he likes that color, or silver/pewter. A sort of 40s theme - him in a cream suit, or maybe black pinstripes, me in a long, satin, streamlined gown with just a puddle of cloth at the back for a train. No lace, but maybe some beading in the back or on the sides? Simple, maybe strapless, definitely backless. Maybe I could be in pink or silver, not black? I just want to do something unique. Especially since it's not a first for either of us. Hell, it's a third for him, I want it to stand out, not apologize for it. Silver candle sticks, hundreds of them as table art, picked up at antique stores....see where I'm going with it?
Do you think I'm jumping the gun?
Out.Of.Nowhere.
It didn't come out as an ultimatum though, it was breezy, and he laughed, "The 4th of July!?!" But I'm not sure if it was in humor that the date was only 6 months off, or that I had just picked some random, arbitrary date out of the clear blue sky, because that's exactly what I did. Then later, after we changed the subject, he told me that The Realtor's prediction would come true. (When she said I'd have a ring on my finger by the end of the year.) So.....does that mean "you can forget July but give me until 2009"? Who knows.
But it's like that movie line, "When you decide you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to start right then." And I want the whole shebang. The proposal, the engagement, the bridal shower, the bachelorette party, the whole wedding (doesn't have to be huge, but the whole kit n kaboodle), and these things require time and planning and MONEY. I'll need 6-8 months minimum, and that's with BF being my wedding planner. Because I know she won't be a bridesmaid, and she WILL be involved and she WILL like it. (Coincidentally, The Blond has taken herself out of the running as well - she wants no part of wearing the ugly dress. Which I would never have, but whatever. Lulu is ecstatic at the thought. She's begged me already not to elope. And I think I want AJ to perform the ceremony.) So, let's say I get engaged in July. 6-8 mos planning puts us at January-March. Which is exactly when Key West #2 is getting married in New Orleans, with an 10/08 bachelorette in Vegas or the Bahamas. Which could put a travel burden on a some of the folks I want to be there, for the ceremony AND the pre-festivities. Plus, I expect KW#3 to turn up with a ring any day now, and she's got baby fever so I don't think she'll want a very long engagement either. A planning nightmare for everyone.
Besides, who wants to get married at that time of year? I never pictured myself as a spring bride. But I don't want to wait until September - October either. That's almost two years away from now, bleh. Does the "Big Day" have to be so picture perfect that I want to put it off for that long? Not likely. And The Agent would probably prefer the spring anyway. Hmmm. I guess he'll get a vote. hahaha
Here are my thoughts so far: Definitely evening wedding (both for class/elegance and to discourage children while not banning them), maybe black and white colors, but reversed - I think I want to wear black and have the girls in ivory or pink because he likes that color, or silver/pewter. A sort of 40s theme - him in a cream suit, or maybe black pinstripes, me in a long, satin, streamlined gown with just a puddle of cloth at the back for a train. No lace, but maybe some beading in the back or on the sides? Simple, maybe strapless, definitely backless. Maybe I could be in pink or silver, not black? I just want to do something unique. Especially since it's not a first for either of us. Hell, it's a third for him, I want it to stand out, not apologize for it. Silver candle sticks, hundreds of them as table art, picked up at antique stores....see where I'm going with it?
Do you think I'm jumping the gun?
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