I am leaving on a jet plane. Friday, to be concise, for an extended weekend visiting an old friend. Labor Day weekend is the second biggest jazz festival (second to nola, so I'm told) in the Windy City and I am on yet again another recon mission.
I know it is not feasible for me to move to Chicago. Or D.C., Seattle, or Denver, or any other places I have been visiting. But I want to experience these places, and see more of the country and that's as good an excuse as any other. I know in my heart I'll end up in the Dallas area, or somewhere in TX, but I'm not nearly as excited about that as I used to be. And I am ever more reluctant to leave my daughter, even as a maybe. But the thought of being here almost another decade while she finishes school is heart wrenching. Which is worse? Leaving her behind, or suffering silently for a total of 20 years? Can I really let my 30s pass me by without fulfilling any of the things I want to do for ME? Some would say that's what I signed on for when I became a mom, but I don't agree. I think that's what's wrong with kids nowadays. Before, parents made their decisions and expected the kids to acclimate themselves to it. Not so anymore.
(quiet reflection)
But I can't be responsible for my child's unhappiness, and if that means staying here, then I will. God, that's depressing.
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